What is your idea of a perfectly blended family? One that never has been through a divorce, but everyone meshes well? One that has been through divorce but have blended into such a beautiful family? The following article will scratch the surface of some of our thoughts and open the opportunity for further articles into this vast land of blended families.
My first thought of a perfect family is a "Leave it to Beaver" movie scene. Now, this is what I believe I grew up into. Bless my Mom and Dad's souls for being wonderful spouses to each other, parents, and now my best friends, although Mom is in heaven now. I always sought to find something similar however, like other families, that is not what I had in my first marriage. My divorce and my mom's death made me have to rethink the perfect family. This one thought alone has so many variables, thoughts, concerns, and opinions and is highly objectionable based upon whom you ask, which book you read, your personal values, and so on. When I think of a well-blended family, I see parents who want nothing but the best for the kids, pushing them to be more for themselves, overall good humans, yet having fun with the daily tasks, taking turns enjoying everyone's likes, having the best intentions for everyone included and everyone being there for each other. The goal is to blend two families to become good-hearted humans who will protect and love each other. As Katie and I have experienced the blend of a family is always changing and although we are not expecting perfect we try our hardest to be a happy family and to raise good humans.
What can stand in the way of this, what builds walls against this, and how does this not happen? There are TONS of books out there that you can purchase and read, and you can still be lost in a fog of all the literature. Katie and I know that as we both have read so many books trying to support all six of us and our emotions as well as reaching out to several counselors for advice and guidance. We spent most of our time worrying about our 4 kids. We were still lost. How could we still be lost? We have tried hard and spent so much time ensuring this blend would work. The following will give some insight into one of our struggles; however, we have concluded that nothing we can do will help dishonest intentions in or outside that family.
As Katie and I were initially talking, we talked about how well our kids would mesh, be a good fit for each other, work well, play well, and be suitable for everyone and a benefit for everyone. How to meet, move in together, and proceed with any of it. Only to realize later down the road that there is no guide, no one can give you those answers, and everyone will criticize you no matter how you did it, as it is not a one-size-fits-all scenario.
Katie, I, and our kids were used to camping, fishing, hunting, and being outdoors, and various sports. We both agreed that spending quality time away from the TV to create our family times. We both agreed on sitting down to home-cooked family dinners and believe that this is a pure time to connect, have a conversation, and have high-quality family time. We both agreed that games, especially board games, are valuable family time. We both valued family vacations over solo trips or friend trips although as a new couple we have taken a few trips just the two of us. These are just a few, and there are SO many more attributes that indeed help raise good humans that we have talked about and will come out in other posts.
At the beginning of meeting Katie, I had two amazing boys. The oldest, Hayden just turning 16, was quieter with his feelings, only to be made worse by pushing him to speak about his feelings. Still, he was very outgoing, easygoing, eager to please, and very hard working and determined to do his best at whatever he set his mind to do. Yet extremely stubborn (no idea where he gets that 🤣). He enjoys camping, fishing, hunting, ATV's dirt bikes, and learning any skill he can later use in life.
Logan, 14 at the time, led his own race; at the beginning, his desires came from his heart, only led by his heart, but was easygoing, fun-loving, very down to Earth, and eager to please. Yet, he only wanted to do things he wanted to do. He enjoys camping, fishing, ATVs, dirtbikes, shopping, dining, tiktok and video games.
Katie has two kids as well. Twins, a boy and a girl! We spent many nights talking about how this blend would work out. How we will all fit in. We talked a lot about our kids initially, helping each other to understand and know each individual before introducing everyone.
My understanding from our conversations was that Holden was hilarious, sarcastic, loving, caring, and quiet with his emotions but very outgoing and eager to please and learn, yet with a bit of selfishness. He enjoys hunting, fishing, camping, cards, board games, watching TV, playing video games, and spending time with everyone. Hayden (Hay) was more nurturing, caring, and loving and would do anything for everyone before herself, always eager to learn and help wherever she could. Her perfectionism gets in her way from time to time. Hayden enjoys learning, baking, manicures, camping, fishing, outdoors, gymnastics, and everything to do with the family.
Katie is very hard-working, loyal, loving, genuine, nurturing, and compassionate; above all else, she gives to everyone before herself. She loves the simple things in life: sunsets and sunrises, walking through nature, genuine connection from conversation with honest and trustworthy people, valuing family time over time with friends, and material or personal gains.
I am extremely hard-working, goal and task-driven. I love anything outdoors, learning new things and skills, and enjoying any family time I can get above everything else.
At the start of the conversations, we had the six of us and 5 dogs between the two of us and often joked that we were creating a brady bunch of a family.
Katie was widowed, so she had her kids full-time, and I was divorced and had the boys every other week for custody. We both knew that blending would take much work; however, we had hoped for the best. We all talked on the phone, said hellos, overheard conversations, etc., and were ready to finally introduce everyone. The boys and I had a camping trip planned for the Cornhusker State Trap out in Doniphan, where we would camp in a buddy's camper at Mormon Island State Park. I mentioned that it might be a great place for all of us to meet, seeing how we all loved to camp. My boys were nervous but okay with it, and the more and more she talked about it with the twins, the more it turned into a whole weekend campout. As one can imagine, everyone was on their best behavior, quiet and reserved, while gathering feelings, observing everything, and trying to break the ice with each other.
Despite all the ice breaking and nerves, the weekend went well for us. We ate well, played games, did some fishing, went to the trap shoot, and got snacks and goodies.
After reflecting on the series of events, several things come to mind as tremendous intentions and not-so-great intentions that helped carve into the blending of our family and those that eroded that blend. It gave us a hint of our life to come, yet we were blind to it or maybe we were just hopeful.
Before the meeting, Logan had stared with gazing eyes out the window one day when I asked him what was on his mind he said, "I can not believe I am going to be a big brother!" After talking to him about it, he was excited to be looked up to, mentor younger siblings, and have the experience he always wanted. This was openly visual during the weekend when we were sitting at the food court eating with the 5 of us as Hayden was off with his friends, the boy's mother came over to talk to Logan. Logan eagerly and proudly introduced Katie and the twins to her. He was so proud to present everyone with the possibility of others to love and share life with.
On the other hand, his mother reluctantly accepted the introduction; however, she was not fond of that meeting or anything between those events. Although we could tell she was upset about something, we took the weekend as a big success in introducing everything and everyone. Yet to our surprise, that meeting, my happiness, the happiness of the boy was only to be tarnished by jealousy. The lord only knew it was the start of something terrible; from my perception, that was the start of the demise of our perfect blend, eroded away later by many of encounters such as this.
So we have learned and still have not accepted that it makes no difference what Katie and I's intentions of our blended family may be, but those in it and those outside it can effect it greatly. How can this be? We want this so bad; we talk about it so much; we work so hard; how do we overcome this huge hurdle, the obstacles?
As our page title indicates, we are Unwavering, meaning that what we want is the best for everyone: to grow ourselves and our kids into good humans, to be steadfast in our beliefs and the way we raise our kids. By this, we don't mean perfect humans, as there is no such thing. However, we won't tolerate lying, cheating, manipulating, selfishness, or any other bad traits that no one wants to see their kids or the world to have. We could quickly sink into giving our four kids everything they want, the particular times, selfish moments, or anything else they believe or are told they are entitled to receive. We however do not feel this would make good humans.
There are special moments for every person on this Earth. Generally speaking, these are not times set aside for individuals, such as special lunch dates, dinner dates, little shopping trips, or special outings such as bowling, put-put, etc. To us, this is not blending a family; it is buying one person's love, all while showing others in the family they are not as crucial as that person doing those things. We would much rather foster growth as a family especially in our first several years together. We want to build strong family ties and memories. We are not trying to raise selfish brats our goals are very wholesome.
This is not to say that we are not "spoiled," as we are all very spoiled in love, gifts, time with each other, and any possible way a person can think of in life. This doesn't always suit everyone, especially those with selfish intentions, ill desires towards us, or our happiness.
On the other side of the fence, I have learned that my ex didn't believe that the blending of divorced or widowed families does not mean the mixing of those families. Perhaps she doesn't believe in a blended family at all. She requested that my boys, myself and her should still celebrate alone without including the other family. Katie and I believe this is a misguiding act, giving the children false hope and not beneficial to their futures.
Together we have learned that there is no perfect blend; all we can do is what we feel in our hearts and know what we will accept and expect from ourselves, our children, our partner, their children, and those on the other side of the fence. The blend of our family and some of the indvidual roles have changed as there is continually new light shinning into unkown spaces.
