Going through a divorce, I often thought about what ways this was going to affect my sons and their future lives negatively. I spent many gut-churning hours thinking of this, and for better or for worse, it was the reason divorce did not happen a lot earlier in that relationship. There are a million ways children lose in divorce and they are covered in a wide array of books, articles, and even blogs.
One way in particular that bugs me to my core and has helped shape the world as we know it is the choosing to "buy" the child's love. Instead of providing consequences, discipline, proper guidance, and shaping the young person for their life to become healthy strong minded humans. It instead becomes a competition for time, energy, and being chosen over the other parent.
When I divorced, my kids were 14 and 16. They were of an age to decide where, when, what, and how they wanted to do things. However moving forward after the divorce, It did not work that way. The divorce caused a lot of toxicity with my ex and has greatly created a mind game for those boys.
Another huge loss for kids when it comes to divorce is the painting of a picture of the other parent in the kid's mind. Painting a false picture doesn't happen just by only the parent but by the parent's extended family as well. I'm also here to say it can also not only be a parent or extended family but it can also be a case of a manipulative child. The child too will try to build walls, stir the pot, and walk away to see what manifests.
I have seen many different scenarios of my boys' loss in my divorce. In many ways some of these scenarios were very simple to stop and yet, at the same time, not so easy as it allowed the other parent to walk all over you.
Feel free to post some of the ways that your children have lost or suffered in the divorce; perhaps it will give some insight into how someone going through these can stop the suffering, or it may just give a brief outline into someone freshly working through their divorce who picks up a computer and Googles "how to stop the negative effects of divorce for my child." I don't have all the answers and I'm not sure what is right but I know my values, beliefs, and expectations and I remain steadfast, unwavering in providing these tools now to all four of my kids.